Walt and I have poured the last five years of our lives into a business and into people that we came to love. It was our life and it defined us - and God was at the center of it. Now there have been changes in the marketplace that are making it more possible than ever for this tender seedling of a business to bear fruit - and Walt has developed a debilitating and apparently capricious heart arrhythmia that makes in impossible to plan anything with certainty.
Our team fell apart - partly because of our inability to lead it, but there was more. It was the perfect storm - Walt's illness, John's illness, David's business reversal and legal problems, Scott and Kelly's mother's illness and death, a DUI for another, loss of a job, marital difficulties. These are all challenges in life, but all of them happening, in a very short period if time to a team of people who are in the process of creating something together - it has been devastating to the business. Even if there are enough pieces left to pick up and start over, and the desire to do so is there, we continue to struggle daily with Walt's condition. So now what? It's so not in my driven nature to wait.
The bible is full of waiting - and being rewarded for our patience. Psalm 37:34 says "Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off."
and Lamentations 3:26 "It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
There are also copious references to patience, such as Romans 8:25 "But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
But what do we do while we are waiting, and how long are we to wait? That's a big part of my struggle. What's acceptance and what's quitting? I don't want to be a quitter, but neither do I want to bang my head continually against a door that has been closed by a divine hand. We have been dealing with Walt's illness for nearly a year now, and we have both seen much spiritual fruit as a result of the experience. Being human, I grieve for our losses as much as I celebrate the changes we have experienced; increased patience for me (though it may not seem so from what I've written here) and increased determination and discipline for Walt.
Where does that leave me? I want to trust. I've just finished the brilliant Timothy Keller's "King's Cross." This is some of what he has to say on the subject of waiting.
"God's sense of timing will confound ours, no matter what culture we're from. His grace rarely operates according to our schedule. When Jesus says...' trust me, be patient' in effect he is...saying, 'Remember how when I calmed the storm, I showed you that my grace and love are compatible with what seem to you to be unconscionable delays'. It's not 'I will not be hurried, even though I love you'; it's 'I will not be hurried because I love you. I know what I'm doing. And if you try to impose your understanding of timing and schedule on me, you will struggle to feel loved by me.' "
"If you go to Jesus, he may ask of you far more than you originally planned to give, but he can give you infinitely more than you dared ask or think."
Arrgh, it's just that waiting....
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